| New satellite technology has enabled communication across alternative realities. For the first time this year, it has been possible to exchange holiday messages between other possible universes. Below are a sample of Christmas messages received from the leaders of the nations that Australia might have become if it wasn’t colonised by the British. |  |
Shukkinak (Phoenician Australia)
Salutations from Momul Abd-Prasad, divine leader of Oceania Semitica. Gods willing, may you enjoy the electronic delights and the nutmeg-spiced delicacies of your festive season. Gods willing, may you grow rotund with the bounty of your commercial enthusiasms and bake under the holy radiance of the one god we share. Gods willing, may you never taste the bitter flesh of Baal’s feast, nor the sweet blood of piety beyond this world. Gods willing, may you never experience the trembling nerve of devotion, nor the finely tuned microwaves of divine geomancy. Gods willing, may your innocence remain untainted by the curse of Hiram. Gods willing, may the cleansing blood of the first-born rain down on you like a meteor shower across the skies.
Yuzhem (Russian Australia)
Meta-greetings to our comrades in Reality #294S. As Chairman of this epic nation we call Yuzhem (Reality #119B), please allow me to convey my heartfelt feelings to the victims of British imperialism, particularly our Aboriginal comrades, without whom our own recent uprising against Tsarist repression would not have been successful, though we do feel in our bones great pity that your ruling class cannot spend a little time in our prestigious university cities, and see how Russian ingenuity flourishes in the open seas of Oceania, and thus raise your horizons a little beyond the bank balance, because you will see how progress has leapt forward once we rid ourselves of the virtual Romanov dynasty that had crippled the nation for the past 200 years and how we are now free to meet the breathless challenges of artificial intelligence that await us in the new millennium, by which time we will have mastered the fourth dimension of chess, and be ready for the fifth, which would be a great opportunity to get together, because maybe we can use this dimension to make a knight’s move into your history (#294S) along with some of our legendary rice vodka—"na strovaya" Chairman Ivana Razinova
Shao-Lin (Japanese Australia)
Seasonal tidings from the Inner Protectorate of the Republic of Shao-Lin, to the ambitious and hard-working Australians. Akh, we would like to invite you to relax in our shady ports, share a drink of our ‘eucalyptus fire’, and join with us in the legendary ‘shadow dance’. Naturally, you have your own precious rituals for the time of year when the sun is high. But these traditions are so demanding. You have little time to congratulate the sun on another days’ journey. Akh, we think of you with not a little measure of sorrow. We remember those English ships that ran aground on our stubbornness, and were never able to decorate the land with wires. Their guns, alas, were no match for our stealth. We weep at the shame they must have felt dragging their broken ships home. We are gladdened, therefore, that you have acquired a happier destiny in the history of your time called ‘Australia’.
Artemos (Greek Australia)
The High Council of Female Idealists would like to extend an official greeting to the pale northerners who made the history of ‘Australia’. While sailing on different rivers, we both empty our waters into the same ocean of being. The mystery of this oneness lies below the surface, in the caverns near your southern blue lake. Listen to its inhabitants, for their dreams will take you to the metaphysical realm in which all realities are one. The High Council of Male Idealists would also like to extend an official greeting to the pale northerners who made the history of Australia. While sailing on different rivers, we both empty our waters into the same ocean of being. The mystery of this oneness lies below the surface, in the caverns near your southern blue lake. Listen to its inhabitants, for their dreams will take you to the celestial realm in which most realities are one.
Nieuw Holland (Dutch Australia)
President Eduard Dekker conveys his season’s greetings to the indigenous peoples of Australia, the descendants of English colonisers, and others who have had the good fortune to arrive on the soils of this rich continent. Like you, we realise the great wealth that is harboured by the red soils of this dry land, though we lack your Stoic nature when it comes to turning the soil. Instead, we have turned to trade, particularly with the South Indian League. I am pleased to say that negotiations are continuing with the Koori Liberation Army, the Nunga Democratic Party and the Zulu Revolutionary Front. We are hopeful of a more workable arrangement between all parties so we can all enjoy the riches offered by this land.
Woomera (Viking Australia)
G’day from Erik the Sure, Chief of the Main Thing and leader of the Viking nation in Woomera. I extend my ardent wishes to you, inhabitants of the woebegone English colony, exiles of Valhalla, do-gooders and reformed convicts, nest-dwellers and pencil-scratchers. What joy it would give us to arrive at your shores now, and spoil your little picnic. We would make news of you, indeed. We would wreak dancing in your malls, drinking in your churches, and laughter in your offices. We would rescue nature from your clutches. Let the waves beat against on your promenades, the thunder echo down your streets and the snakes coil around your feet!! Lucky for you our boats cannot cross the river of time. Yet. Until the final Ragnarök, then.
Lusitania (Portuguese Australia)
Monseigneur Ricardo extends his warm wishes to fellow Christians who dwell on one of the other fingers of God’s hand. He conveys particular sympathies to the native peoples of your region. His heart goes out to those Christian souls now suffering under the curse of Islam. He calls for the English-speaking peoples of the region to answer their conscience and save the faithful from persecution. Divine grace can flourish in the world, only when the infidel is banished from history. He calls for the English-speaking peoples to seek god’s blessing in the open hearts of those who awaited you on this wide land. Above all, please remember that, whatever your colour, and whatever your reality, Jesus loves you.
Phew!